THE MASK OF THE GIRL WHO DIDN’T HAVE ANY POWER
Powerless, she lay there.
Discomfort and shame.
She used to think she was strong, past tense.
Now she’s just a victim of her own circumstances.
It didn’t seem safe to own the power that felt like home.
The mask goes on.
If there is one thing I know for sure in this lifetime, it’s this: I hold a powerful presence. As a young woman discovering this power, I would often deny the fact that people felt different when they were around me. I have this ability of making people feel at ease, and yet challenging what they currently think is possible. The first time I was really faced with the effect I have on people was in high school when I met a boy that I would go on to date for a few months. I will never forget the look he gave me when I voiced my opinion and shined my personality bright. I don’t even remember what I said, I just remember how he turned around with this look like, “is this girl really that bold?” In fact, I was. At 15 years old, I felt like I had a good sense of who I was. I was loud, sometimes blunt, way too sexual for my friend circle to handle, and I often went for reckless adventures that spiked my adrenaline. I was fearless.
Unfortunately, when you have a welcoming, comforting, and different energy, you attract people who want to use you for how you make them feel. And as a young woman, I had no experience with creating boundaries, keeping myself safe energetically, physically, and emotionally. I had no idea how to control this power and the effect it had on others. Especially boys. And I can’t say that I blame them, there is nothing sexier than a woman owning her power, personality, and sexuality. I often find myself admiring many women for this reason, myself. And yet, as a young woman I didn’t have positive role models on how a woman should practice using her power and owning her sense of self in healthy and nourishing ways.
I had no idea how to blend who I was with who my environment required me to be. This led me down the path of deciding that my power wasn’t actually all that powerful. But here’s the thing about the power that each of us hold within us, it doesn’t disappear because we are trying to convince ourselves it doesn’t exist. If anything, the act of denying your power makes it scream and nudge a little louder. Each of us hold a power within us that is unique. It holds the codes and keys that only you need to have. In other words, we each hold onto our own superpowers.
So here I am 2 years later, pretending as if I am powerless, yet still attracting people into my life with how my presence makes them feel. This caused a spiral of codependent relationships, trying to take people on as projects, and feeling like I was a failure because I couldn’t change the lives of those around me. It was easier for me to feel sorry for myself. It was easier to play the victim and believe the words I heard about myself from outside of myself. It was easier to find evidence of being a not good enough loser than a powerful goddess who has the power to achieve everything she desires.
Looking back on these dark years of my life, I show myself lots of love and compassion. She was only doing the best she could. She was juggling the masks of being an honor roll student, daughter who kept it all together, closet stoner, and powerless girl on the run with the “bad boy.” These were truly some of the worst years of my life. The masks I was juggling just to keep my true self from being seen cost me my awareness, my close friendships, my judgement, and ultimately, my power.
Now hop back into the time machine and fast forward to present day with me.
I now embrace my energy and my presence with gratitude. I know how to form healthy boundaries that keep my own personal nourishment a priority. I have healed my victim mentality, I have released the shame around those years in my life that felt like hell. Those years were very much a time of shushing my intuition and grabbing the steering wheel to my life without asking for support or guidance along the way. I held a lot of regrets around some of my actions, and yet at the end of the day, the only option I had was to release that shame, release that regret, and simply let it all go. Holding onto tightly wound emotions from the past, bring that pain into the present moment, and we can’t embody our future dreams and desires when we haven’t moved on from past pain. The things that we have gone through and the decisions that we have made in the past don’t define us who we are. What defines who are is what we choose to do in the present moment and who we continue to work towards being. Every day I aim to be better than I was yesterday. And each day that I wake up, I am never the same as I was the day before. We’re pretty cool being humans in that sense, we are ever evolving and always have the power of free will to change. We hold the power to always choose again.
When I was 20, I chose myself. I decided that I was open to the possibility of a better life, I felt a yearning within me for something more. I was tired of being drained by those around me. I was tired of feeling shitty in my body. I was tired of not feeling loved and supported. At the end of the day, that’s all I ever wanted: love and support. I think that’s all that many of us want.
At 20 years old, I found myself at a literal crossroads. If I headed south, I would be heading toward the life I had been living. The life that left me feeling powerless, trapped, and stagnant. Or I could head east and open my heart up to the possibility of deep love, acceptance, and support. I felt like I wasn’t equipped to make such an uncomfortable decision. That’s the thing about the moments when you break a cycle you’ve been in, they’re never comfortable. You feel like a rubber band stretching to max capacity. You feel almost as if you could snap, and yet you hang in there. You take a deep breath and focus on the next right thing to do. For me that was heading east and opening my heart to a life that gets to be different than everything I was ever taught.
This decision led to some of the most incredible years of my life.
It led me to marrying my husband, quitting my corporate job, starting my own business, adopting my fur babies, and discovering each day a little more of who I am.
You see, under the masks lived my authentic self. She was waiting for me to notice that she was still there, she never left, even when I tried so hard to deny her. She waited patiently until the day I let her out and allowed her to laugh, play, and be fully witnessed in all of her glory.
READY TO APPLY THIS UNMASKING TO YOUR LIFE?
I am enrolling 4 womxn into a 4-month long mastermind container in my program Unmasking (Y)our Purpose. In this program you will experience:
What it’s like to share your story + what it’s like to hold space for your sisters to share theirs
The ability to hold yourself in a safe space to feel, acknowledge, and release your feelings (so they don’t creep up on you throughout the day)
A connection to your highest self, the version of you who has already done + achieved all of your heart’s desires (+ how to take daily action inspired by her that moves you closer to your big vision + purpose)
What it means to practice healthy boundaries that support you + your relationships
A shedding of all of the thoughts/belief/cycles/patterns that have kept you feeling stuck + frustrated
A reunion with your true + authentic self, the you that is most unique, weird, and silly
Gratitude for your life, including the pain (+ masks) that got you to where you currently are